Wednesday, February 5, 2014

How Do You Say "Satire?"

Russian President Putin Declares U.S. Snowboarder Shaun White a “Pussy” 

for Bowing Out of Sochi Slopestyle Event 
February 5, 2014,
MOSCOW—7 p.m. local time: Russian President Vladimir Putin, upon hearing the announcement that American snowboarder Shaun White had decided not to compete in the Sochi Winter Olympics’ new “slopestyle” snowboarding event because he felt it was too risky, lashed out and called White “that pussy who try to ruin my Olympics.”

“A real man,” continued Putin (translated from the Russian by Ilya Popsacovich), “does not worry about getting hurt. This Shaun White is no real man. Look at his hair for proof.”

White recently had his trademark, long, red locks shorn, but this fact did not deter Putin from saying, “A real man, like Superman, leaps off building and is not afraid. Now, Shaun White says my jumps are too big, like jumping off a building? Bah!” Putin waved his arms dismissively.

The 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics boasts a huge, new slope for snowboarders to show off their tricks and jumps. Massive obstacles have been built into the slope. So far this week, two snowboarders have broken their collarbones, and White injured his wrist.

“All those American are trying to say bad things about Sochi, like toilets have no paper,” said Putin. “Men don’t need toilet paper! Do I use toilet paper? How you say, ‘hell to the naw.’ I have special toilet with warm, pulsating jets.”

Putin continued, “When I am away from home, I use baby wipes, like all the rap stars use. Rap stars are happy to come to Sochi, the site of the most challenging, most manly Winter Olympics ever!”

Strapping on a bulletproof vest, Putin walked out of the Kremlin conference room, calling back, “Tell Shaun White I, Putin, the emperor of Russia, say he is pussy!”

When asked for a comment, White explained that he cannot risk an Olympics-ending injury, and he will, as usual, be competing in the halfpipe event, for which he is the favorite.

“Dude, I got a documentary coming out,” said White. “I got a gum line; I got way too much riding on this. Just because the Russian President thinks it’s not cool for me to say no, I can't worry about that. I have to think of my shareholders.”—Reported by Elizabeth Collins


  1. Vladimir Putin should discover the glories of duct tape: To cover his mouth and his nipples.

  2. Ha--he does love to take his shirt off, it seems. Ironically, he is holding a fishing pole here, but my brain told me "gun" until I forced myself to examine the image more closely. Best, EC